I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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