I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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