Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
