Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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