so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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