Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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