I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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