Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The best revenge is premature balding
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
