I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
