yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
