he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize