You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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