I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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