I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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