My sheets look like a crime scene.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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