So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
