I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize