Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
