At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
