oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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