so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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