Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she smelled like a LAN party
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
