I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize