i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
