I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize