i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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