I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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