he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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