I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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