I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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