It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
