he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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