I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize