1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
