so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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