Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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