The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
