I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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