he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
