I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
