If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
