I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
