Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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