sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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