It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
