The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
