This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
