Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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