When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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