i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
