nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
