tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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