I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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