so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
