You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
