Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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