Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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